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Showing posts from 2009

Perfection

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I pity the fool who doesn't watch the right channels/time slots to see these commercials, so I'm doing you a favor: There are two important lessons to be learned: 1. Mr. T's hair is perfect. It's hard to argue with science... 2. Mr. T is extremely generous, taking time out of his busy schedule to help others "look good." It may not be the most coveted endorsement in the world, but when's the last time you saw another member of The A-Team on TV?

Chocolate Romance?

Listening to the radio over the past couple months has made it disturbingly obvious that I need to set everyone straight. Again. Lady GaGa does not...I repeat...DOES NOT make good music. Don't be fooled.

Get Movin'

Around the beginning of September I started noticing crossing guards at one of the main intersections on my commute to and from work (BU Bridge and Comm Ave for the local folks). It later became apparent that they were, in fact, full fledged police officers; with guns and everything! I assumed this was just a temporary measure taken by Boston University to ensure that freshman didn't get mowed down in their first week of school while trying to adapt to Boston's...uh...unique driving styles. While a little thin in my book, it's at least understandable. Maybe "giant red hand" doesn't translate well in other languages. Three months have passed now and 5-0 is still dutifully protecting our nation's future. Wouldn't you expect BU to be seeking kids of an ilk such that they'd be able to navigate the commute to and from campus? If after three months avoiding Prius en route to class (Priuses? Prii?) is still a matter of student survival, they clearly are n

Time Will Tell...Or Won't It?

Religions often claim to keep up with widespread shifts in social, political, and scientific norms. However, it usually remains confined to the small space in which God has pre-approved change, not the broader arena of serious issues like abortion and gay rights. While any progress seems to come like Shaq running the floor, it should still be celebrated when it occurs (no matter how winded it is). The Vatican recently announced that it was opening an exhibit to acknowledge the 400th anniversary of Galileo's groundbreaking work in astronomy . Using a telescope that eerily resembled a stick , in 1609 he posited that the Earth revolves around the Sun: a direct contradiction to the church's view that the Sun revolved around the Earth. For this, Galileo was declared a heretic. Guess when the pope finally admitted that the church was in error. Nope, way more recent. Try 1992. Really, what surprises me the most about all of this is that the Catholic church doesn't have any restric

Because You Never Know

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Here's the scene: you're an idiot, in Wales, going out on the town with one of your mates. Your sober IQ's about the same as your inseam. Drunk IQ? More like your shoe size. 17 pints later things start getting a little belligerent. You both want to start a fight, but who's a good target? It's a nice night, plenty of people wandering the streets. Push a few guys around, no one's taking the bait. There! Two drag queens stroll through the slightly less blurred portion of your vision. Dear diary, jackpot! You wake up in prison with a black eye and sore ribs. Why? Well find out for yourself (watch the guy with no shirt, of course): Turns out those two drag queens were MMA cage fighters on their way to a theme party. Oops.

One of These Things IS Like the Other

If Lebron James is making a movie that's himself, playing basketball, on camera, isn't it just real life?

Why, Oh Why?

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I've always been mystified by the custom of children-in-law calling their spouses' parents Mom and Dad. Something about it just rubs me the wrong way. You call your own parents Mom and Dad. Your siblings call your parents Mom and Dad. It seems to be more common among the males, but I'm not going anywhere near that oedipal road. If you're saying Dad...and your wife's saying dad...then it's kinda like...you're brother and sister...and it's kinda like...you're married to your sister. And...

Ginkgo Biloba?

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Just because something comes with a lanyard doesn't mean you have to look like a dummy by actually wearing it. Maybe the name "jump drive" is a little misleading for some people. I promise, even in a pocket, your data ain't goin' anywhere. More recently I noticed this phenomenon at the JCC (that's Jewish Community Center, as if you didn't know). Granted most members are taking full advantage of the social security that I'm paying for and still have vivid memories of the Eisenhower days, but I don't believe that even they'll lose the access card between their deathmobile and the front door. Then of course there's the school ID and keys combination, which unfortunately pervades most college campuses. If having those two things hanging from a lanyard is the only possible way to keep track of them, then A) learn to hold your liquor and B) you probably shouldn't have been admitted in the first place. Point is, there are very few things

Signal Faded

It's interesting how a couple of distinct connections can completely change the perceived meaning of a word. We've all driven by (and more than likely been to) an adult book or video store. At this point, whenever I hear the hear the word adult used as an adjective, that's where my mind immediately goes. I was watching the Red Sox game a few nights ago and saw this ad for what was described as an "adult baseball camp." My first thought? A bat would be a weird prop.

Beats Bumpin'

If you're driving around, listening to shitty hip hop, with the bass turned up so high that all I can hear is your license plate rattling, it's about time to ditch the '91 Corolla and invest some of those subwoofer funds in a new ride.

M&M's

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Of all the things that get blown out of proportion into social and racial issues, what about the fact that there's no brown M&M character? Every other color has a personality to go along with it, representing both genders. Even blue, which has only been around for a few years, managed to get embodied. I don't like reading too much into observations like this, but must admit that I was rather surprised when I noticed it for the first time. What's the next step? Brown M&M vs. Board of Education?

Keep it Simple

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I was trying to help my step mother setup a printer with her new computer the other day, and it only contributed to my hatred of Windows. You can follow the same process that has worked on a dozen other PCs, but for whatever reason, it doesn't work this time. The inconsistency kills me. At least I know that if something doesn't work on one Mac, it won't work on any. With Windows, you have to tailor IT support not just to the specific issue, but to the specific computer. It adds an extra lair of complexity and variables that I'm simply not interested in dealing with. Which reminds me of another problem with Microsoft. I honestly didn't have a true appreciation of it until seeing this video, but after watching, you'll understand.

Don't Front

Dear Writer, Just because your movie has people in it, doesn't mean it was based on a true story. Thanks.

Width-out

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I know you all want to say heighth because of width and length, but that doesn't come close to qualifying as legitimate justification. 1. You sound like you have a lisp when you pronounce it like that. 2. The word has enough Hs in it already, can't you just leave well enough alone. 3. By that logic you should say weighth and tangine too. I expect anyone who still says heighth to spend a lot of time at Ye Olde Candy Shoppe and commute on a bike like this: Note: I try to keep the nerdiness to a minimum, but it snuck out in the latter part of number 3. If you need a hint, think right triangle.

Check That

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Several years ago I decided that every company should have someone they can turn to who will take a step back, evaluate an idea, say it's the stupidest thing they've ever heard, and end the project immediately. I actually think I had this revelation right around the time when the Pontiac Aztec was released. Coincidence? I think not. How many times have you seen a product and said to yourself, "Self, someone really got paid to come up with that?" I've said it more times than I can remember. Those exact words. Verbatim. There are some companies that simply do not have the means to employ this person in a full-time roll, so a consultant would probably be the best option. They could be brought in periodically to scrutinize several projects at a time. Yes, it's my dream job. Just think about how much better the world would be if I had realized my calling sooner. I could have stopped this: ...and this: ...and above all else, this:

V-Not

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As the picture above so aptly demonstrates, no time is the right time for a v-neck shirt on a man.

Always Be Prepared

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For the purposes of full disclosure, this is not new. I've been hosting it on my Comcast web space for a long time, but no one knows about that, so it might as well not exist. It's a spoof on the U.S. Department of Homeland Security's ready.gov site , which was created in the wake of 9/11 to inform people about what to do if confronted with various disaster scenarios. That site has obviously (and thankfully) been redesigned, but all the pictures you see below are REAL and were taken from the official government website. It's hard to believe, I know, but it's true. I can't take credit for the genius that cascades from each line to the next, that goes to Political Humor , but I can take credit for helping to preserve it for posterity. If you have set yourself on fire, do not run. If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud. If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder. If y

Fingersticks

I had a delicious sushi dinner from Teryaki House in South Boston last night. The spicy tuna...it's spicy, but everything was great. You know what I used to enjoy the meal? My fingers. Why? Because I think using chopsticks is one of the most illogical cultural norms we have and I refuse to promote such irrationality by joining in. Also, me attempting to use chopsticks is an absolute strugglefest, but that's not the point here. As the only person at the table not participating, I'm clearly in the minority on this. Sushi may be the meal where chopsticks make the most sense, granted, but my thumb and index finger are a damn good team. Although the extra length does make taking food off of friends' plates easier, a value which cannot be overstated. Using chopsticks to eat fried rice or lo mein on the other hand, come on. This isn't Karate Kid and you're not Mr. Myagi . Sure, they can be used to shovel the food into your mouth; but as it turns out a food shovel alre

False Advertising

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What color do you think the phone in these pictures is? If you were me, you would have thought it was silver. You would have bought it based on that premise. And when you opened the box you would have learned that, lo and behold, you're the proud male owner of another pink phone. Now I'm not exactly sure what gets me heated about this; the fact that the pictures are rather ambiguous, that I didn't look closely enough to notice...or nothing? At least last time I had an excuse that the Pink RAZR was free.

Beast Mode

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It's one of my favorite phrases, and I never knew where it came from until today. The reporter says to Marshawn Lynch, "Define your attitude." Too bad he sounds like a complete idiot when he says it...and when he says all the things after it. Believe it or not, this cunning orator went to college for THREE YEARS. I swear .

Oldpersonmobile

I've always thought that Oldsmobile was the worst brand name in the auto industry (think that has anything to do with why they aren't around anymore?). When Mr. Olds founded the company in 1897 he decided it would be a good idea to name the cars after himself. And why wouldn't he, everyone was doing it. Compared to Ford, his was groundbreaking! One could even argue that the etymology of Batmobile can be traced back to this stroke of genius. In 1897 there were no stereotypes about senior drivers or the kinds of cars they pushed, so the name was relatively safe. Times changed though, and by the time I was old enough to appreciate cars, all I could envision when I heard Oldsmobile was something that a 4'6" 85-year-old woman named Myrtle should be driving. I don't know about you, but that doesn't exactly make me want to climb behind the wheel. The real question though, what would Mr. Crashes have done?

Get the Guy a Caddy

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It's going to come as a surprise, but this post isn't about Federer's sweater. I saw some Wimbledon highlights on SportsCenter last weekend and was surprised by the amount of luggage he carries to and from matches. The fact that it looks like the bag over his right shoulder should be filled with diapers notwithstanding, he appears to be slightly overpacked. I don't claim to be much of a tennis player, but have a pretty good grasp of the game. Here are the things I do know about professional tennis: balls are provided, the most racquets broken during a match is 2 (I just made that up, but you would have believed it), and adolescents who ambulate around the court like robots handle the towel service. Which begs the question: what's in those bags? You could fit 3 racquets, an extra change of clothes, and at least a dozen assorted headbands in a paper bag from Trader Joe's, and still have room to spare. Instead, Federer looks like he's prepared for an e

Don't Hate: Part Deuce

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It was a given that Akon would eventually get a shout-out for my Favorite Girly Hip Hop Song of the Moment. I figure it's best to get this over with now before he throws another fan off the stage or gets his swerve on during a show again. Unlike with Next 2 Ya (Don't Hate April 4, 2019), I can't even make the excuse that the artist is wicked hot. At least he sounds like a chick: Akon - Be With You The foil to this lovefest is a Lil' Wayne song that Shizz put me on to last weekend. I've mostly been exposed to his mainstream hits via the radio, but I'm starting to learn that those are only scratching the surface. In fact, most of his music that's played on the radio sucks compared to what's hiding underground. So here's a lil' taste (pun definitely intended): Lil' Wayne - I'm Me And since I know you're wondering, this is what he says in the middle of the first verse: I know one day they gotta bury him Better lock my casket

OMGLOL!!!1!!11!1

As anyone who's texted or IMed with me knows, I don't cut a lot of corners. Proper punctuation, grammar, and spelling are my game. I don't know why other people find it such a burden. Believe it or not, that extra button to add a period and extra two keys to spell out "you" really don't impede my ability to send messages. So how does an abbreviation like "bff" gain widespread acceptance? I can count on 0 hands the number of times I've said "best friend forever" in conversation. I promised to be John's best friend in 1st grade if he traded me his Doritos, but we didn't have cell phones back then. Someone must have been sitting at their computer one day and had an epiphany: This is the sixteenth time I've typed best friend forever in the last three sentences, and it's really starting to slow me down. There's gotta be a better way. That's it! Bff! I'll be the Usain Bolt of IMing. And what did that person do with

Poor Effort

I'll come right out and admit it, Jawann is not the easiest name to figure out. If you've never seen it before, it's hard to pronounce. If you've never heard it before, it's hard to spell. I've learned to live with that, and most people at least make an attempt. Still, I will never understand how my Human Resources professor in college who holds degrees from institutions of higher learning and whose central purpose is to educate students on working with their peers regardless of demographic factors could possibly butcher my name into "Joanne." But I digress. I got an e-mail on Thursday for "J. Winslow," from someone whom I've known for months. What is this, an episode of Family Matters ? I know my first name is a little deceptive, but even that wouldn't help me pass for a Winslow . Anyway, how the hell do people struggle with Swislow? Sure, it's tempting to throw an extra S in the middle. That's understandable. But Winslow? Fi

Get Up!

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Now I've done my fair share of jump training, but I'd be lucky to just clear the bumper: Most impressive thing: the flip-flops. Least impressive thing: the socks.

It's a Human Thing

We've all been told  black people love fried chicken . Whatever the source of that stereotype, I have a serious problem with it. Sure, it's racist; but it's also quite narrow-minded. Don't ALL people love fried chicken. There are those Veggie fools who refuse to let themselves enjoy the full potential of food, but they can be of any race. Point is, whatever the color of your skin, we all share the bucket of KFC gene (or Popeye's if you know what's up). For the purposes of illustration, let's take a moment to look at a few international cuisines. Many of the signature or classical dishes involve fried chicken. Italian: Chicken Parmigiana. Fried chicken, marinara sauce, mozzarella cheese, delicious. French: Coq au Vin. Fried chicken, pearl onions, salt pork, mushrooms, mirepoix, red wine, an assload of free time. Chinese: Fried Chicken Wings. Fried chicken, duh. If you belong to any of the above nationalities, it's likely that you grew up with an a

How's it Taste?

Because I know you've all been waiting to tell me how much my blog sucks, I fixed the Comment feature. You can even post anonymously. What could be better?

Math?

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I've been seeing more and more cars recently (namely Subarus) that have a PZEV badge on the back:   PZEV, as you probably can't read above, stands for Partial Zero-Emissions Vehicle . It actually means something and there are guidelines and stuff, but none of that's really important. What's important is that PZEV is a bit of a misnomer. And of course by bit, I mean massive. Because you know what part of zero is? Yeah, zero.

Physics?

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I bought a pack of Columbus Calabrese Salame from Trader Joe's the other day. One of the bullet points on the package says "Slow Aged for Optimum Flavor." Slow aged? Maybe it's just me, but I'd expect a company that's figured out how to alter the space-time continuum to use it for something more productive than making salami taste fantastic.

Timing

Scott Boras wanted a six-year contract for Manny. A lot of people in the media said it was to protect him from losing money in the face of declining performance at the end of the career. I think he knew Manny had been juicing for years and thought it was only a matter of time until the truth came out. Those forearms were always suspicious.

Cooookie Cooookie Cooookie!

Shizz and I were discussing this over Celtics the other night, and it's definitely worth sharing. Is that enough of a shoutout? I don't understand how anyone in the world can justify buying Thin Mints from Girl Scouts. I'm not about to start bashing Girl Scouts or supporting non-profits, don't worry. But don't they understand that Girl Scouts also sell Samoas (or Caramel "typo" deLites for the political correct amongst us)? Samoas are at least 116% better than Thin Mints, are sold exclusively by Girl Scouts, and may in fact be the best cookie in the world. They're even the SAME PRICE. CAPITALS. SAME PRICE. I don't have much of a sweet tooth, but a box of those doesn't stand a chance in my house. Either Samoas are the best value money can buy, or Thin Mints are the worst. I know some people actually prefer Thin Mints to Samoas, but still want to support a good cause. In these cases Samoas should be purchased, sold on the black market (I know I

Consolidation

If two sitcoms are created by the same people, have suspiciously similar storylines, and are aired back-to-back on the same channel, why bother wasting time coming up two titles? Someone should tell TBS that Tyler Perry's House of Payne and Meet the Browns are the same show...and that both suck.

Wasted Stores

There's a little corner store across the street from my house that's currently called D & D Market. It opened when I was in elementary school, under the name Prince Spa. The original owners did a great job and it was a popular neighborhood hangout. They owned the store for over a decade before finally selling it. Since then, it has changed hands three times. I actually considered purchasing the location, if for no other reason than being able to call it The Spa Formerly Known as Prince, but quickly realized that no part of me wanted to wake up at five in the morning and make small talk with strangers all day. After making a purchase, oh, five minutes ago, I realized that the last three owners have something in common: they all talk on the phone while working behind the register. This raises two questions for me: 1. When did it become acceptable to talk on the phone while at work? D & D Market (what an unclever name) isn't the only place I've observed this

A Fairly Major Oversight

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As my friend G-Unit so aptly put it, there was "a fairly major oversight" on my part. I blame this partially on the fact that the Warriors are a terrible team that plays no defense and has a center who gels his hair, but mostly on myself for having no clue what Black Thought looked like. My bad. On a related note, many people in the sports world refer to the first person as B Diddy. I refuse to further such idiocy. So without further ado: Baron Davis & Black Thought

Celebrity NBA

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Like any other graduate of Cambridge Rindge & Latin, one of my favorite things to do is play the Fake game. The rules are quite simple: find someone who looks like one of your close friends, and berate said friend about it over the course of the next several weeks. The game can also be played with people you've never met before in your life. The only difference being that they unfortunately won't be aware of your mocking. I enjoy playing Fake while watching the NBA. Here's a small sampling: John Salmons & Wesley Snipes Kyle Korker & Ashton Kutcher ...and of course, separated at birth, Stan Van Gundy & Ron Jeremy

40 Oz. to Wasted

For everyone who grew up drinking 40s, this is the website for you: 40 Ounces of Fury . They are missing a few of the classics, but we all know malt liquor can do that to a person.

J-Roll

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Since I realize many of you don't have ESPN on for 6 hours a day, or at all, I'm posting this commercial for your viewing pleasure. I don't think it gets much play on any other channels, which is really unfortunate. I'm not specifically a Phillies or Jimmy Rollins fan...or I should say I wasn't until I saw this:

Wrong of Way

There are few things I encounter on a daily basis that make less sense to me than the fact that cars have to yield to pedestrians. The least efficient parts of driving are starting and stopping; times when the most fuel is consumed and emissions are at their highest. This is what happens every time a car has to yield to a pedestrian. And the effect ripples through every other car in the line, compounding the already harmful repercussions. As it turns out, people are much easier to power. Not only that, but they're more resilient when it comes to changes in ambulation (jury duty word). Whether a person can walk for 10 minutes staight or has to stop every 50 feet, it's unlikely that their diet will need to be augmented. Nor would their "emissions" would be effected. Compounding doesn't apply to people either. Having one person or ten people waiting to cross a street will have a negligible impact on food intake. On the other hand, ten cars idling while some idiot i

Don't Hate

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As just about everyone knows, I have a not-so-secret love of girly hip hop (or what some people might call, baby makin' music). I don't try to deny it or make excuses, I just accept it. Darlene would always listen to this kind of music when I was growing up, and still does to this day, so I guess it eventually rubbed off on me. This is yet another great example of why I enjoy being big, 'cause you certainly wouldn't catch me singing along to Kiss Me Thru The Phone if I was 5'6". Which brings me to the point, my first inaugural Favorite Girly Hip Hop Song of the Moment: Krys Ivory - Next 2 Ya (feat. Ryan Leslie) And in order to redeem some credibility for my manhood, the concurrent first inaugural Hot Beat to Blast (I don't like most of Immortal Technique's songs, but this one is sick): Immortal Technique - Mistakes Enjoy.

What's Your Fantasy?

It's amazing how popular fantasy sports have become. There's baseball, football, basketball...and, believe it or not, even hockey (although they have trouble setting up their head-to-head league since only 7 people play). The obvious logical next step is Fantasy Life. Instead of athletes you would draft from a pool of ordinary people, such as friends and co-workers. Points are awarded for positive activities, like promotions, winning pick-up basketball games, and of course, getting laid. Conversely, negative activities like being fired, receiving a DUI, and getting dumped would result in points being taken away. Whatever team has accumulated the most points after 4 months wins. Anyone who says they wouldn't play this game is a liar.

Les Than Impressive

Supposedly the guy from Survivorman (Les Stroud) is more badass than Bear Grylls because he's not followed by a video crew. Instead, he complains constantly about the extra burden that filming himself puts on the trip. If he's going to bitch and moan the whole time they should just call the show Man vs. Camera Equipment.

New York Bias

Did you know that The New York Times owns The Boston Globe? I didn't until this morning. Something about this seems fundamentally wrong to me. Worst of all, the Times is threatening to close the Globe if its unions don't accept massive concessions. Isn't New York the city with a newspaper surplus? Imagine if the Patriots owned the Giants and said they were going to dissolve the franchise if every Giants' player didn't take a 50% pay cut. I'm pretty sure that wouldn't fly...but I certainly wouldn't be complaining about it. Link to the story: courtesy of Boston.com .

Blue Line

My boss sent me this article a couple of weeks ago. Check it out, hilarity guaranteed: Blue Line Jumps 11 Percent .

Wasted Seats

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Chad and I were sitting third row behind the Celtics bench when they were playing the Clippers on March 23. The seats were great. I could hear Doc Rivers and appreciate all 6'11" of Kevin Garnett. Nice. A couple guys around our age were sitting behind us. Those were clearly some pretty sweet seats as well, given that they were a mere one row back. With 2:24 left in the first quarter Kendrick Perkins got called for defensive three seconds (as he is wont to do). After Eric Gordon missed the free throw one of the guys behind us said, "I didn't know it was only one shot." Come on. You should not be allowed to sit that close to a team that good if you don't truly appreciate the game. I don't intend to sound like a basketball snob (even if I am), but this is a simple rule that's observed throughout the course of just about every game. At that moment it became clear that he was sitting in a Wasted Seat. Wasted Seats exist at every sporting event, b

Apples

Have you ever noticed how slicing an apple into pieces makes it taste better? Weird.

Robes

From this day henceforth I will be referring to robes as reverse Snuggies.

Multitasking

I suck at multitasking. If I'm typing something on the computer it's physically and mentally impossible for me to have a conversation at the same time. And don't even get me started with trying to read in a room where people are talking; it would take me days to get through Goodnight Moon. Now Obama, I bet he's a great multitasker. It's hard enough to manage a hectic schedule of constant self and political party promotion (no alliteration intended) on the campaign trail, and he was able to garner more support than any president in history. Yesterday, Obama revealed his NCAA men's basketball tournament picks in an interview that was aired on ESPN. Today, there was fallout. People wrote in to their local newspapers and called up their local NPR stations to complain about this glaring misappropriation of Federal time. Apparently Obama has the power to fix the economy all by himself. People think he should be spending every second of every day actively making ch

Poor Planning

There's a hair salon in Harvard Square called Plan B . Now maybe it's just me, but I don't think that's the best name for a supposedly high-end establishment. Or any business for that matter. At best, it's being advertised as a fallback if your first choice isn't available. At worst, well, let's just say I wouldn't call it "The Morning After Salon" either.

Uh...

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Apparently there's a dating advice show on FLN (Fine Living Network, but I'm sure you already knew that) called Wingman. When I saw the host on the commercial I thought it was a joke, and you can see why: Unfortunately, it's not

Ouch

I was driving by Boston's very own Arnold Arboretum the other day and came upon a red light. While waiting for it to turn green I saw a sign that read, "SIGNALS TIMED TO REQUIRE FREQUENT STOPS." You know what I have to say to that? F you. Why rub it in? That'd be like me walking down the street, getting punched in the face, then noticing a sign on the building that said, "CHUCK NORRIS INTENTIONALLY HIRED TO KNOCK YOU ON YOUR ASS." Bastards.

500 Boylston

While visiting a client at 500 Boylston this afternoon I found out that it's the building where Boston Legal supposedly takes place. I did think it was a sick building. Apparently the characters smoke cigars on a nice little patio. I would have liked a cigar, if it was warmer...and I was in a crappy fictional TV show. In other news, I figured out that parking garages must have one of the greatest profitability to simplicity ratios out there. Don't worry if you're not familiar with that ratio, 'cause I just made it up. It's pretty self-explanatory through. Anyway, I was in the building for under two hours and paid $18. No one even had to do anything during those two hours, except me of course. Now the real question is, how do you go about buying underground land?

Dear Diary...

Here's an excerpt from tonight's "Winter Storm Warning for Southeast Middlesex County, MA" (courtesy of http://www.weather.com/): "SIX TO 12 INCHES IS FORECAST FOR SOUTH CENTRAL NEW HAMPSHIRE WITH 5 TO 10 INCHES IN THE CONNECTICUT RIVER VALLEY. THE JACKPOT... 10 TO 15 INCHES... WILL PILE UP IN THE HEAVILY POPULATED BOSTON PROVIDENCE INTERSTATE 95 CORRIDOR... WESTWARD INTO NORTHEAST CONNECTICUT AND NORTHWARD THROUGH WORCESTER COUNTY INTO THE MERRIMACK VALLEY OF NORTHEAST MASSACHUSETTS." Jackpot? Who do they have writing these things? Quagmire?

Bailout

Shouldn't Barack's bailout plan be referred to as Mutual of O-ba-ma ? Am I right or am I right?

Pardon Me

Why I love Pardon The Interruption, and, more importantly, Tony Kornheiser: (Video clip removed due to unavailability.) Edit (09/06/09): Unfortunately this clip was removed, and despite my best efforts, I was unable to find it anywhere else. I did manage to find the transcript though. Not quite the same, but better than nothing. "When I was young, all I ever wanted to be was a sportswriter. I had a cousin who wanted to be an investigative reporter. So to get ahead of people who had the same dreams, we began shooting up drugs. "We were young and stupid. Didn't know what we were doing. Strictly amateur hour. I can't believe it worked. I didn't even know what we were taking! "But I got sportswriter jobs at Newsday, The New York Times and the Washington Post. I had my best year in 1997. I was a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize. I still didn't know what drugs I was using. I thought maybe it was actually Tic-Tacs, because people let me get so close

You know what they say about guys with big hands...

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...that some of them can palm a basketball with just their index finger and thumb. What? What were you thinking?

Chuck Norris

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I'm sure most people are familiar with the Chuck Norris facts, but for those of you who still don't use T9, here are some of my favorites (in no particular order): If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you. There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk, and kill. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched, and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. Credit to http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/ .

ET Phoned Home

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Yesterday, the Celtics traded Sam Cassell (and cash) to the Sacramento kings for a second-round draft pick in 2015 (that's 7 drafts from now, but who's counting?). In case you didn't know, Sam Cassell is an alien: Or Gollum, I'm not sure which: Fortunately the Kings are expected to waive Cassell, so thanks to a tasty little NBA trade loophole, plan on seeing ET back in Celtics green before too long.

Drive Slow, Homie

If you're gonna be driving at or below the speed limit, you should have plenty of time to follow all the other traffic laws; like using turn signals. It drives me crazy to be inching along behind a faded green 1991 Toyota Corolla covered in bumper stickers about saving the planet only to have the driver bang an unexpected left. For some reason speeding has been vilified while the use of turn signals comes as an afterthought. I would argue they are equally as dangerous, and in fact that not signaling is worse. But far be it from me to argue for stricter enforcement of laws, so just let me speed! My fast is getting antsy.

He Be Jammin'

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Here's the scene: it's Wednesday night and I'm watching college basketball, Syracuse vs. UConn. The game ends and ESPN starts to show highlights before Duke/UNC starts. Surprisingly I see UVM's very own Patrick Gym early on in the broadcast. Maybe it's just a shoutout to Tom Brennan. Then this happens: I hope everyone learns something: no matter where you play or how bad you are, do not try to take a charge on a fast break unless you too want to be immortalized in a YouTube video getting jammed on.

Clark Rocafella

If what I heard today is true, that's how he would actually think his name was spelled. Instead, as people have been doing for years, Clark Rockefeller is going to attempt to avoid prison time with an insanity plea. I understand that it must be clinically confirmed and there is a whole process for formulating a diagnosis, but why is insanity an excuse? "I'm so sorry officer, my fast is out of control. Clearly that means you can't give me a ticket or take me to jail, but I'd be happy to attend a 'How to go slow and stay in control' class...once...and probably sleep for most of the time." Doesn't work that way, does it? That scenario only happens with the really serious crimes. And more to the point, why does insanity keep you out of jail; aren't all men created equal? Being insane should not provide a privileged criminal life with free range to bust a cap if you forget to fill your prescription. Apparently kidnapping your daughter due to insanit