Gets Me Heated

I assume some of you have seen the article about how to "hack" your Chipotle order to get the most food for the least money, and those of you who haven't can read it here . While I appreciate the ingenuity of finding every possible way to exploit the system, I have a couple of serious issues with the strategy: Who the hell wants two types of rice? One is already too many. The intense shame of being one of "those people" that holds up the burrito line, which should be an arrestable offence. It's noble to have the courage to embarrass oneself in the name of frugality, but I have an even better solution. If you want more food, hack your chipotle order like an adult: order two.

I drive a 2006 Subaru WRX. I used to drive a 2002 WRX (do you sense a pattern?). I've parked in some pretty sketchy places in both cars over the years, even spots with freshly broken glass from the poor soul who parked there before me. Neither car has ever been broken into; knock on wood. Both cars were/are heavily tinted. Theory: having your windows tinted may help prevent break-ins because people can't see your stuff, but I think there's something bigger going on. If you're a thief and you break into someone's car with tinted windows there's a chance that person might hunt you down and kill you. Because what do most people associate with highly tinted vehicles? Drug dealers. Not likely, but probably an order of magnitude more likely than non-tinted cars. So why risk it? I am not a drug dealer and doubt even this risk can overcome the fact that it's still a Subaru, but still, I like to think it helps.

As many of you already know, use of the phrase "no homo" has become pervasive among rap and hip hop fans (my friends included). This was mostly inspired by social justice pioneer, Lil' Wayne (please disregard current prison sentence). For those unfamiliar, it goes something like this: "I love you, man...no homo." Anyway, I think gay people need to get in on the fun. For example: "Damn girl, that top makes your boobs look great...no hetero." Why should straight people be the only ones who get to discriminate?

Welcome to my newest segment: New Word For Your Noggin. Your number one source for slang, bad puns, and vernacular from the not-so-mean streets of Cambridge. These are words I either made up, stole from someone else and am claiming as my own, or simply want to pass along for the greater good. Today's entry: textastrophe tex•tas•tro•phe - noun 1. A catastrophic text message-related event. 2. A grossly misinterpreted text message. Examples Sending that text about what she was gonna do to her boyfriend, to her dad, turned into a serious textastrophe. The most prominent textastrophe to date was the result of Tiger Woods texting his hos in different area codes. Using the word "fat" in a message is a textastrophe waiting to happen, even if you mean it in a good way. Remember, you heard it here first.

Several years ago I decided that every company should have someone they can turn to who will take a step back, evaluate an idea, say it's the stupidest thing they've ever heard, and end the project immediately. I actually think I had this revelation right around the time when the Pontiac Aztec was released. Coincidence? I think not. How many times have you seen a product and said to yourself, "Self, someone really got paid to come up with that?" I've said it more times than I can remember. Those exact words. Verbatim. There are some companies that simply do not have the means to employ this person in a full-time roll, so a consultant would probably be the best option. They could be brought in periodically to scrutinize several projects at a time. Yes, it's my dream job. Just think about how much better the world would be if I had realized my calling sooner. I could have stopped this: ...and this: ...and above all else, this:

It was a given that Akon would eventually get a shout-out for my Favorite Girly Hip Hop Song of the Moment. I figure it's best to get this over with now before he throws another fan off the stage or gets his swerve on during a show again. Unlike with Next 2 Ya (Don't Hate April 4, 2019), I can't even make the excuse that the artist is wicked hot. At least he sounds like a chick: Akon - Be With You The foil to this lovefest is a Lil' Wayne song that Shizz put me on to last weekend. I've mostly been exposed to his mainstream hits via the radio, but I'm starting to learn that those are only scratching the surface. In fact, most of his music that's played on the radio sucks compared to what's hiding underground. So here's a lil' taste (pun definitely intended): Lil' Wayne - I'm Me And since I know you're wondering, this is what he says in the middle of the first verse: I know one day they gotta bury him Better lock my casket ...

We've all been told  black people love fried chicken . Whatever the source of that stereotype, I have a serious problem with it. Sure, it's racist; but it's also quite narrow-minded. Don't ALL people love fried chicken. There are those Veggie fools who refuse to let themselves enjoy the full potential of food, but they can be of any race. Point is, whatever the color of your skin, we all share the bucket of KFC gene (or Popeye's if you know what's up). For the purposes of illustration, let's take a moment to look at a few international cuisines. Many of the signature or classical dishes involve fried chicken. Italian: Chicken Parmigiana. Fried chicken, marinara sauce, mozzarella cheese, delicious. French: Coq au Vin. Fried chicken, pearl onions, salt pork, mushrooms, mirepoix, red wine, an assload of free time. Chinese: Fried Chicken Wings. Fried chicken, duh. If you belong to any of the above nationalities, it's likely that you grew up with an a...

Because I know you've all been waiting to tell me how much my blog sucks, I fixed the Comment feature. You can even post anonymously. What could be better?

If two sitcoms are created by the same people, have suspiciously similar storylines, and are aired back-to-back on the same channel, why bother wasting time coming up two titles? Someone should tell TBS that Tyler Perry's House of Payne and Meet the Browns are the same show...and that both suck.

As just about everyone knows, I have a not-so-secret love of girly hip hop (or what some people might call, baby makin' music). I don't try to deny it or make excuses, I just accept it. Darlene would always listen to this kind of music when I was growing up, and still does to this day, so I guess it eventually rubbed off on me. This is yet another great example of why I enjoy being big, 'cause you certainly wouldn't catch me singing along to Kiss Me Thru The Phone if I was 5'6". Which brings me to the point, my first inaugural Favorite Girly Hip Hop Song of the Moment: Krys Ivory - Next 2 Ya (feat. Ryan Leslie) And in order to redeem some credibility for my manhood, the concurrent first inaugural Hot Beat to Blast (I don't like most of Immortal Technique's songs, but this one is sick): Immortal Technique - Mistakes Enjoy.

It's amazing how popular fantasy sports have become. There's baseball, football, basketball...and, believe it or not, even hockey (although they have trouble setting up their head-to-head league since only 7 people play). The obvious logical next step is Fantasy Life. Instead of athletes you would draft from a pool of ordinary people, such as friends and co-workers. Points are awarded for positive activities, like promotions, winning pick-up basketball games, and of course, getting laid. Conversely, negative activities like being fired, receiving a DUI, and getting dumped would result in points being taken away. Whatever team has accumulated the most points after 4 months wins. Anyone who says they wouldn't play this game is a liar.

Supposedly the guy from Survivorman (Les Stroud) is more badass than Bear Grylls because he's not followed by a video crew. Instead, he complains constantly about the extra burden that filming himself puts on the trip. If he's going to bitch and moan the whole time they should just call the show Man vs. Camera Equipment.

Chad and I were sitting third row behind the Celtics bench when they were playing the Clippers on March 23. The seats were great. I could hear Doc Rivers and appreciate all 6'11" of Kevin Garnett. Nice. A couple guys around our age were sitting behind us. Those were clearly some pretty sweet seats as well, given that they were a mere one row back. With 2:24 left in the first quarter Kendrick Perkins got called for defensive three seconds (as he is wont to do). After Eric Gordon missed the free throw one of the guys behind us said, "I didn't know it was only one shot." Come on. You should not be allowed to sit that close to a team that good if you don't truly appreciate the game. I don't intend to sound like a basketball snob (even if I am), but this is a simple rule that's observed throughout the course of just about every game. At that moment it became clear that he was sitting in a Wasted Seat. Wasted Seats exist at every sporting event, b...

From this day henceforth I will be referring to robes as reverse Snuggies.

Shouldn't Barack's bailout plan be referred to as Mutual of O-ba-ma ? Am I right or am I right?