Gets Me Heated

I assume some of you have seen the article about how to "hack" your Chipotle order to get the most food for the least money, and those of you who haven't can read it here . While I appreciate the ingenuity of finding every possible way to exploit the system, I have a couple of serious issues with the strategy: Who the hell wants two types of rice? One is already too many. The intense shame of being one of "those people" that holds up the burrito line, which should be an arrestable offence. It's noble to have the courage to embarrass oneself in the name of frugality, but I have an even better solution. If you want more food, hack your chipotle order like an adult: order two.

(If I wrote for The Onion . Which I don't. Yet. Part 2.) On a beautiful Saturday morning, after an hour-long wait for dinner the night before, Michael Spruce and Allie Hollister dutifully got in line at local brunch spot Mama's on Washington Square at 10:37 AM. The hostess estimated it would be about a 90-minute wait, which thrilled the couple. "Over an hour?! We haven't had a chance to wait that long since our 3-hour epic at Decent Wings in June. I can still remember the sunburns we got," said Allie. "The food was fantastic...I think. It's hard to remember because I was so hungry when it finally came that I burned my mouth on the first bite. But they had to be better than other wings, right? Why else would there be such a long wait?" When asked about the long lines at Decent Wings its owner, Frank Allen, was quoted as saying, "Are you f***ing kidding me? I wouldn't wait 4 hours for the fountain of youth, much less wings. Have ever t

I drive a 2006 Subaru WRX. I used to drive a 2002 WRX (do you sense a pattern?). I've parked in some pretty sketchy places in both cars over the years, even spots with freshly broken glass from the poor soul who parked there before me. Neither car has ever been broken into; knock on wood. Both cars were/are heavily tinted. Theory: having your windows tinted may help prevent break-ins because people can't see your stuff, but I think there's something bigger going on. If you're a thief and you break into someone's car with tinted windows there's a chance that person might hunt you down and kill you. Because what do most people associate with highly tinted vehicles? Drug dealers. Not likely, but probably an order of magnitude more likely than non-tinted cars. So why risk it? I am not a drug dealer and doubt even this risk can overcome the fact that it's still a Subaru, but still, I like to think it helps.

Do you ever feel like any time you do anything, everyone around you is doing it for the very first time? I sometimes want to ask: is this the first time you've taken a left turn? First time you've boarded an airplane? First time you've ordered a f***ing burrito? Seriously? Every burrito joint has the same options. "What's that?" IT'S F***ING SALSA.

(If I wrote for The Onion . Which I don't. Yet.) In a display of what can only be described as absolute commitment, John Bauer, co-assistant manager of administrative operations, couldn't help but forward a marginally relevant article - that he himself, admittedly, hadn't thoroughly read - to the rest of his team when he stumbled upon it via Flipboard while looking for a Comic-Con 2015 recap after dinner. "You don't get opportunities like that every day," said John, who was just coming off a recent meeting invite he sent out for 9:00 AM. "I saw the headline, read the first seven words, and knew immediately that this could make up for my three and a half hours of minesweeper today. You're not gonna print that, right?"