Gets Me Heated

It's going to come as a surprise, but this post isn't about Federer's sweater. I saw some Wimbledon highlights on SportsCenter last weekend and was surprised by the amount of luggage he carries to and from matches. The fact that it looks like the bag over his right shoulder should be filled with diapers notwithstanding, he appears to be slightly overpacked. I don't claim to be much of a tennis player, but have a pretty good grasp of the game. Here are the things I do know about professional tennis: balls are provided, the most racquets broken during a match is 2 (I just made that up, but you would have believed it), and adolescents who ambulate around the court like robots handle the towel service. Which begs the question: what's in those bags? You could fit 3 racquets, an extra change of clothes, and at least a dozen assorted headbands in a paper bag from Trader Joe's, and still have room to spare. Instead, Federer looks like he's prepared for an e...

It was a given that Akon would eventually get a shout-out for my Favorite Girly Hip Hop Song of the Moment. I figure it's best to get this over with now before he throws another fan off the stage or gets his swerve on during a show again. Unlike with Next 2 Ya (Don't Hate April 4, 2019), I can't even make the excuse that the artist is wicked hot. At least he sounds like a chick: Akon - Be With You The foil to this lovefest is a Lil' Wayne song that Shizz put me on to last weekend. I've mostly been exposed to his mainstream hits via the radio, but I'm starting to learn that those are only scratching the surface. In fact, most of his music that's played on the radio sucks compared to what's hiding underground. So here's a lil' taste (pun definitely intended): Lil' Wayne - I'm Me And since I know you're wondering, this is what he says in the middle of the first verse: I know one day they gotta bury him Better lock my casket ...

As anyone who's texted or IMed with me knows, I don't cut a lot of corners. Proper punctuation, grammar, and spelling are my game. I don't know why other people find it such a burden. Believe it or not, that extra button to add a period and extra two keys to spell out "you" really don't impede my ability to send messages. So how does an abbreviation like "bff" gain widespread acceptance? I can count on 0 hands the number of times I've said "best friend forever" in conversation. I promised to be John's best friend in 1st grade if he traded me his Doritos, but we didn't have cell phones back then. Someone must have been sitting at their computer one day and had an epiphany: This is the sixteenth time I've typed best friend forever in the last three sentences, and it's really starting to slow me down. There's gotta be a better way. That's it! Bff! I'll be the Usain Bolt of IMing. And what did that person do with...

I'll come right out and admit it, Jawann is not the easiest name to figure out. If you've never seen it before, it's hard to pronounce. If you've never heard it before, it's hard to spell. I've learned to live with that, and most people at least make an attempt. Still, I will never understand how my Human Resources professor in college who holds degrees from institutions of higher learning and whose central purpose is to educate students on working with their peers regardless of demographic factors could possibly butcher my name into "Joanne." But I digress. I got an e-mail on Thursday for "J. Winslow," from someone whom I've known for months. What is this, an episode of Family Matters ? I know my first name is a little deceptive, but even that wouldn't help me pass for a Winslow . Anyway, how the hell do people struggle with Swislow? Sure, it's tempting to throw an extra S in the middle. That's understandable. But Winslow? Fi...

Now I've done my fair share of jump training, but I'd be lucky to just clear the bumper: Most impressive thing: the flip-flops. Least impressive thing: the socks.

We've all been told  black people love fried chicken . Whatever the source of that stereotype, I have a serious problem with it. Sure, it's racist; but it's also quite narrow-minded. Don't ALL people love fried chicken. There are those Veggie fools who refuse to let themselves enjoy the full potential of food, but they can be of any race. Point is, whatever the color of your skin, we all share the bucket of KFC gene (or Popeye's if you know what's up). For the purposes of illustration, let's take a moment to look at a few international cuisines. Many of the signature or classical dishes involve fried chicken. Italian: Chicken Parmigiana. Fried chicken, marinara sauce, mozzarella cheese, delicious. French: Coq au Vin. Fried chicken, pearl onions, salt pork, mushrooms, mirepoix, red wine, an assload of free time. Chinese: Fried Chicken Wings. Fried chicken, duh. If you belong to any of the above nationalities, it's likely that you grew up with an a...

Because I know you've all been waiting to tell me how much my blog sucks, I fixed the Comment feature. You can even post anonymously. What could be better?

I've been seeing more and more cars recently (namely Subarus) that have a PZEV badge on the back:   PZEV, as you probably can't read above, stands for Partial Zero-Emissions Vehicle . It actually means something and there are guidelines and stuff, but none of that's really important. What's important is that PZEV is a bit of a misnomer. And of course by bit, I mean massive. Because you know what part of zero is? Yeah, zero.

I bought a pack of Columbus Calabrese Salame from Trader Joe's the other day. One of the bullet points on the package says "Slow Aged for Optimum Flavor." Slow aged? Maybe it's just me, but I'd expect a company that's figured out how to alter the space-time continuum to use it for something more productive than making salami taste fantastic.

Scott Boras wanted a six-year contract for Manny. A lot of people in the media said it was to protect him from losing money in the face of declining performance at the end of the career. I think he knew Manny had been juicing for years and thought it was only a matter of time until the truth came out. Those forearms were always suspicious.