Gets Me Heated

Speeding: sometimes dangerous, often ticketed. Not Using Turn Signals: always dangerous, rarely ticketed. Does that seem right to you? On zee Autobahn in Germany you're allowed to drive your car as fast as it will go. I don't know of any roads where you can drive your car as without-turn-signals as it will go.

Why does anyone bid on an eBay item before the last minute? What are they hoping to achieve? The auction doesn't end for another 6 days and you're not going to get it any earlier no matter how much you bid. The one thing bidding will most certainly do is drive up the price and make other potential buyers bid irrationally. Good for the seller and for eBay, sure, but not so good for the buyer. Pro move is to always wait until the last possible second, because economics. (Title is intentional.)

When someone asks me to work in at the gym I just go do something else. Because I'm an adult and am capable of waiting 5 minutes.

I'm pretty good at judging things volumetrically. And also people, based on their life choices.

iPad apps that only render in landscape mode: are ya kidding me? It embarrassing enough to use your phone like that as if you're still stuck in the 2000s on a Sidekick, but at least that's a choice. Even a game I can understand. But booking a hotel? Come on. WTF are you thinking, SPG?

It's amazing how people can so completely fail at basic arithmetic. When I see someone on the bench press with a 25, a 10, and two 5s on each side I want to go up and ask, "do you know what that adds up to?" Yeah, 45. That's the plate you see lying around everywhere. But no, you spend 10 minutes tracking down the smaller weights so that no one else can use them. If you've ever, say, paid cash for something you should be able to figure this out. And don't forget, using 45s also makes you look at least 37% more badass. So bust out the phone calculator and slap on a couple of show-off plates. We'll all thank you.

The following vehicles need to be immediately and indefinitely banned from the left lane of every highway: Toyota Prii PT Cruisers Massive pick-up trucks whose drivers get confused about the difference between size and speed I can just imagine these people thinking "wow, I wonder why traffic is so light today?" Because everyone is stuck behind you.

You know when you go to check for new episodes of your favorite podcast, are thrilled to see a fresh release dutifully waiting for your listening pleasure, hit play, and then are crushed to hear that it's just an episode from another show that you couldn't care less about? Yeah, should be illegal.

I assume some of you have seen the article about how to "hack" your Chipotle order to get the most food for the least money, and those of you who haven't can read it here . While I appreciate the ingenuity of finding every possible way to exploit the system, I have a couple of serious issues with the strategy: Who the hell wants two types of rice? One is already too many. The intense shame of being one of "those people" that holds up the burrito line, which should be an arrestable offence. It's noble to have the courage to embarrass oneself in the name of frugality, but I have an even better solution. If you want more food, hack your chipotle order like an adult: order two.

(If I wrote for The Onion . Which I don't. Yet. Part 2.) On a beautiful Saturday morning, after an hour-long wait for dinner the night before, Michael Spruce and Allie Hollister dutifully got in line at local brunch spot Mama's on Washington Square at 10:37 AM. The hostess estimated it would be about a 90-minute wait, which thrilled the couple. "Over an hour?! We haven't had a chance to wait that long since our 3-hour epic at Decent Wings in June. I can still remember the sunburns we got," said Allie. "The food was fantastic...I think. It's hard to remember because I was so hungry when it finally came that I burned my mouth on the first bite. But they had to be better than other wings, right? Why else would there be such a long wait?" When asked about the long lines at Decent Wings its owner, Frank Allen, was quoted as saying, "Are you f***ing kidding me? I wouldn't wait 4 hours for the fountain of youth, much less wings. Have ever t...